What's on my mind 5

I am frustrated. Again. I can't handle not knowing what is going on. And I don't know what is going on with him. I tell myself to listen to what he said and did. He got at headache, he went home, felt sorry for it, wrote so much to me and then went back to normal when I told him not to worry.
As should be.

But I can't. I have this nagging doubt about what *went* on, whether his headache meant something, whether all this means something. I miss him. I miss the feeling of his skin against mine, his scent, his mouth. I need to see his eyes look at me. I need him to see me. And while I have no illusions about this (or do I?) I cannot just let it be, I cannot strike the perfect balance and just let it be. I want to make myselv unavailable to him to make him feel he wants me, and before I do it, I tell myself not to act like a baby, Christ we're not 15 and he deserves me not to play games with him, he's worth more than that. So I don't make myself unavailable, I skip lightly over texts, neglect to tell him how much I want to see him, get on with my stuff and touch myself desperately in the evenings untill I fall asleep.

And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope with this. I am trying to wait but I spend so much energy and thought on keeping up this fire. Soldier-me tells me to give up, to let him hunt me, to go out and have fun - he'll come. And while I have no doubt that he will, I still know it is not all me. A part of me wants to tell him I miss him. Tenderly. That I need to see him. Even just talk to him, share a coffee in the sun with him. But again. I cannot strike that balance.
And so I just shut my trap, says too much sometimes and too little other times. Miss him a tad in the mornings and go out of my way to look after other guys though I am obviously not interested. I saw a guy today and looked twice. He had the same mouth.

He writes texts that spans from "horny" to "don't look after other guys". Nothing wrong with that, I've got both of those sides too. But I can't read him. And I don't understand my need to. Maybe it is because I'm missing friends to do other stuff with. I probably need to go out, I am pouring all of my energy into this and thus expecting so much back. From something that is supposed to be light, fun and relaxing.

Parole sante.

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