What's on my mind 3

I am, and have been, spending an enormous amount of time, thinking about him. Texting him and wondering what this is. I published a very short post: "Joy is 3", that "mentions" him, I am yet too chicken to write something real about him, for various reasons. Fact is though, that I like him a lot. He touches me clean with his sensitivity, his elegance, his composure.We might be very explicit in bed (and not even, I am not letting completely go yet) but he is soooooo correct outside of bed.
A true gentleman.
I am the one being afraid we destroyed something potential; what with us having sex that fast. At the same time, sexuality is so important to me, this lust I had, and has for him, blocked out everything else. He stole (and steals) my thoughts, my reason. 
Now he writes blogposts about us. Touching and so sweet that I don't have words for it. And he hits hurt every time. Every blogpost of his has been tough on me (though eloquent, very Fresh and elegant as hell) - touching on one thing or another, that tells me to come clean. Even if I am not sure there is anything to come clean about. I am totally paranoid that my thoughts on all this are coloured by the bad breakup with M.

I feel like a fraud that I am not telling him that I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I am a bad person, I would love to post these bursts of him that I write, but I don't know where we are going, what we are doing. I like what I learn about him, but until I haven't told him about M and why I might not be ready to date, I feel like I am holding something back. And it is unbearable. At the same time I am afraid I might be reading something into this, that isn't there. He sort of asked blogland how many dates it takes to become a couple, it seems we have the same thoughts or maybe he is really asking me.

As I felt this lust for him, this need to kiss him, to get to know him, I inadvertently dismissed all the rest. Didn't mean to, but this desire for him sort of blocked out everything else. Now he gets to me, he's under my skin in so many ways, this sensitivity of his, his attentiveness, his elegance and I don't know what to think anymore. It seems such a waste to just have a sexual relationship (and how I hate these sterile words) when he is such a sweet being. I forget he is in on it too, but I ask myself what he wants from me. I can't help being cynical me, when I am away from him, but at the same time I ask myself why he hasn't had the same thought about us being so different, about him probably never wanting to come to my place because it smells of smoke. About me not smoking (not suffering either, but still) when I am with him, about our work hours, our eating habits and all those small things. But things surely that make or break a day ? I know he's clever enough to have thought about it, but I feel like I am not getting to know him as fast as I would like to, and that he's not letting me in on what he is thinking about this whole thing. Or maybe I am not listening enough. He *is* blogging about us, after all. And while that is all very set-up and coreographed, he's putting himself out there a bit, while I feel like I am holding back. I think I want to talk to him.


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