I wish my Mum would, and I'm not angry with my Dad anymore (part I)
Much as I tend to click well with men that has absent fathers (mentally or physically), i find that many of the women I admire (and feel lucky to call friends) have issues with their mothers.
Men with absent fathers tend to become more *men* themselves.
When I think about it; (whoa) His (BF) dad is dead, two of my best male friends' dad are dead. It is as if men compensate. They lose their role model and has to walk that fine balance themselves, to figure it out on their own. They are men that are raised by women and that often develop a special sensitivity because of that, and so (paradox) become more male in the process.
Because women (yes, I count myself in) that have dominating (strong) fathers grow up denying that strength (they are Dads Princess, remember?) , and become more men (not more woman!) in the process. We're softer than ever but more self-sufficient, stronger, more ...suffering.
We know that we can't be males, but we cannot become our mothers neither. Because we saw our mothers as weak, soft, insufficient... for giving in to that strength Dad had. And psychologically speaking ; she was never strong/good/beautiful...you-name-it enough for Dad. Or maybe I'm projecting.
It took me a long time to realise that my mother is one of the strongest persons I know. And I'm still learning that she's the stronger because she's in for the long haul. Strength is not always doing what is needed when it is needed. True strength is often *keeping on doing what is needed when it is needed*.
And as one of my fave quotes go (by Masao, champion thai fighter); "you are what you do when it counts. And not accepting it as counting, is not an option".
In my immature mind at 18 I saw that as weakness. Today, at 34, i know that, in order to be woman/elastic/flexible/giving in, after all these years, you have to have guts. And willpower. And patience. Qualities that I fight to acquire*.
Dad on the other hand was one of the strongest persons I knew. Not knowing that he fought to keep up that image, spent a lot of energy to give exactly that impression. I admired him ( and fought him, bloodily) and swore to marry a guy just like him. Today I see him as the soft one, the weak one, the one that was held up by the effort of my mum. He knows it is like that too. They're made for each other, she can be the tough one in periods and he can be the soft one. They've grown around each other.
So what is it with us women ? We can be as intelligent/independant/emancipated/whatever we want to, but there is not *one role* into which we may grow naturally. Maybe mine are Italian dilemmas but do we have babies OR satisfying jobs ? Do we become Princesses (and wait for the Prince forever) or our Mothers ?
*to remix with my strength, willpower and arrogance, obviously =)
Comments
Meget.
Om det er godt eller skidt, ved jeg ikke
Men ramt er jeg!
For mig lyder det godt at du er ramt. Osse fordi jeg ikke rigtigt ved hvad jeg sigtede efter (jeg lavede posten part I med vilje) - jeg har brug for at fokusere lidt mere paa det.
Men jeg tror der er èt eller andet at laere i de refleksioner, jeg skal bare liiiiiige finde ud af hvad =)
Jeg er så ikke ramt. Min mor er ikke blød, og min far er ikke kun hård.
Min mor er den ufleksible af de to, mest i kraft af hendes konstante ignorering af hendes egne svagheder og manglende åbenhed og rummelighed. Æv.
Men det er nu en skøn tekst uanset - vækker tanker.
I agree the dilemma (babies/career) for modern women is tough... but you wanted it he he he
as for mum's strength (or women's strength)
there's an old metaphor saying:
"ciò che è morbido e flessibile cresce,
ciò che è indurito e secco muore"
so soft is the way yeah
women power NOW
i'll vote for it any day
maaske er min mor heller ikke altid bloed. Og min far er helt sikkert ikke laengere saa haard som han var en gang. Jeg er sikker paa at det har med alderen og boerneboern at goere (saa er vi noedt til at give dem boerneboern for at de bliver udholdelige?) - fast ligger det dog, at èn af de ting min mor mangler fra mig (serioest og som hun aldrig holder op med at spoerge om) er... boerneboern. Og hun er aldrig holdt op selv i perioder hvor jeg ikke engang havde en kaereste.
I wish my Mum would:
stop asking for grandchildren.
Maaske er din mor i virkeligheden datter af en staerk/dominerende far, har ikke kunnet finde sin indre kvinde og drukner i gensuppen ?
Der kommer vist flere indlaeg om dèt her, jeg har en masse tanketog jeg skal forfoelge =)
I think you're perfectly right about not possessing just one quality. It's easier to grow into just one role, than it is to try and fill out different ones with different expectations.
I also agree (put couldn't have put it into words, kudos to you) that our perception of truth *is* our truth (and no, i don't believe in truth being a perfect permanent entity)
But that's a whole different train of thought isn't it ?
I'm struggling these days to find and end of this ball of yarn to pull and follow =).
Also about the anger thing. I question even the title. Why was I angry with Dad, if Mum was the one I didn't understand/identify with/accept/whatever...
Anyway, hang out, i'll keep it coming when I've got a mo