Sorry blog

...i'll take it out on you for a mo...

I dont really know why, but I hurt a bit today.
Had best friends for dinner yesterday, got to show off with my cooking, i had good news to tell about work and they had good news to tell me about work, baby and coming back to live near me. So there's no reason for me really to hurt.
I guess I might just take my bicycle, race to the nearest forest and kick some fallen leaves up in the air.

Happy Sunday to all of you

Not true. Nor that i dont know why, neither that there is no reason for me to hurt.

I saw him yesterday.
It has been a few weeks that i'm trying to keep a bit of distance to him, it seems i hurt less if i don't read too much into this relationship that promise so little.
We are so different, we knew from the start that we have very little in common. And I am keeping him at the distance that is good for me. But I miss him, I would love to tell him, I would love to be the little one, the one that is in need of him to be male, but he cannot handle me when I am the small one. So why (oh why K) do I keep on seeing this guy if I cannot be woman/small/feminine/weak with him ? I already went through all this with myself, and it is simply not going to change, I want him in my life. And I hate myself a minute for whining when it is all up to me, when I already made my choices and clearly is in charge of the whole thing. So I got what I wanted, and now I'm whining ?

ARRRGGH.
Whine over, independant-tough-soldier-dane back in charge again, I'll be going out to dinner him tonight, I'll make myself beautiful for him, be funny, intelligent and not at all weak. God forbid that.

I am choking on my own strength

Comments

Anonymous said…
How come I know that last part, so all to well????

I can handle everything. I can handle the situation. I can handle big crisis. I can handle the world.

But I cant handle me, myself and that fucking whining weak girl inside of me, that keeps seeking love and recognition...
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 12:23:00 PM GMT+2
kyllyan said…
@silhuet:

probably that's what makes us women and sooo human =).

And it's irritating isn't it?
I love that whining weak girl of mine; she is *also* me, but there's moments to keep her hidden away.
I want love and i want recognition as well. What bores me to death (again and again) is that, as much as I can handle everything, I cannot state a simple wish, take a simple desicion and carry it out. I'm fluctuating between extremes (wanting/not wanting) and wasting precious time/energy/mental resources.
When in every other area of my life i JUST DO what needs doing.

So what exactly am I waiting for?
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 12:39:00 PM GMT+2
Anonymous said…
(det her bliver lige på dansk - jeg kender ikke ordet "fravælge" på engelsk ;-) )


Måske undgår du at vælge, fordi ethvert valg også betinger et fravalg. Og fravalg er svære når de kommer tæt på.

(og i personlige relationer gælder det, at når man vælger ja så risikerer man at BLIVE fravalgt...)
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 3:48:00 PM GMT+2
kyllyan said…
@silhuet:
ja.
Og jeg *har* fravalgt ham. Og jeg *kan* godt uden ham. Vil helst ikke, men jeg kan.

Det er *med* ham jeg ikke kan. Og jeg *vil*. Naar jeg er med ham, fravaelger jeg nogle gange mig. Og det er ikke saa godt. Og saa er vi jo tilbage i den gamle gaenge igen...

Og det der irriterer mig mest er foelge-spoergsmaalene: "Boer jeg saette mine forventninger ned? Er det mig der er langt ude og bare ikke ved hvordan fa'en man elsker ?"
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 4:16:00 PM GMT+2
Anonymous said…
Hmmmm. du ved vel en hel del om at elske. Ellers ville du ikke savne det.

Men måske det kan være svært at elske sig selv, så man søger desperat en anden at elske. I stedet. Og en anden til at elske...sig?

Men nissen flytter med, og man må - på egen hånd - lære at elske sig selv. Først.

Undskyld hvis det lyder som en omgang selvhjælpslitterært bullshit. For det gør det. Men jeg er sgu bange for, at lige netop denne omgang selvhjælpslitterære bullshit rummer en vis sandhed.

Ikke fordi jeg kender spooooor til problematikken, se´fø´li ;-)
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 4:57:00 PM GMT+2
kyllyan said…
@silhuet:
Ja, jeg tror jeg ved. Det foeles ihvertfald som om. Men jeg soeger ikke nogen. Det har jeg aldrig gjort.

Problematikken er mig, dèt er der ingen tvivl om. Jeg har masser af ulykkelig kaerlighed bag mig, men det var altid mig der gik, selv naar jeg gik fra mit hjerte som laa dèr i tusind stykker.
Og jeg svor sidste gang jeg gik, at jeg maa laere at elske paa en anden maade.

Jeg tror nogle gange at jeg er for staerk for migselv.
At jeg ikke *kan* gaa paa kompromis.
Ligegyldigt hvor forelsket jeg er, er det altid et spoergsmaal om tid, fordi jeg ikke kan finde den balance (saa nissen flytter med, ja).

Og jeg vil jo helst ikke afskrive kaerligheden*, kun for at faa migselv og det halve kongerige. Men kan jeg noejes med en halv prins ? =)


*(jeg er 34 for hewled', kan man vaere saa disillusioneret i min alder (og hedder det dèt paa dansk)???

Det er nok en debat der boer ha' et indlaeg for sig selv, den hèr =)
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 5:24:00 PM GMT+2
Anonymous said…
Jeg er 35. Og har væet desillusioneret længe...så ja det kan man godt :D

Men uanset hvor hårdt man prøver, så lader kærligheden sig ikke afskrive. Heldigvis...

Knus
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 6:01:00 PM GMT+2
kyllyan said…
iiiiih....
saa er der altsaa haab. For oevrigt ved jeg godt at kaerligheden ikke lader sig afskrive. Jeg glemmer det bare =).

Tak.
Og knus
Monday, October 20, 2008 at 6:06:00 PM GMT+2
Anonymous said…
Man kan vist være desillusioneret lige så længe man har kræfter til det. And beyond.. .)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 at 8:14:00 PM GMT+2
kyllyan said…
@anna:
Godt formuleret.
Eller man ku' sige, "man kan vaere desillusioneret indtil man ikke laengere har illusioner om at vaere det =)". Eller whatever
Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 9:26:00 AM GMT+2
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