What's on my mind 8

I think he might be testing me.
Maybe to find out whether we can have something outside of bed too. Or maybe he doesn't have all that strong sexual energy at all; maybe he is trying to find out how much refusal I'll take, before I lose interest. Or he has gotten so used to me being all over him, that he doesn't know whether I still want him, and won't make a move until he knows.


He can read me all right, he can see that I want him badly. I think he can see he is pushing it too far. He was very sweet, though he hugged me instead of kissing me when we said goodbye at the corner of his street. And very attentive; he wanted me to take another route home, he wanted me to be safe. Later, in a text he wrote he would have to buy me a bike so that I would get home safe.

I don't want a bike from him. I wanted to answer "give me a kiss, not a bike" but I didn't. I just wrote "no need to; I am home, safe and I am not afraid of guys on the streets at night, they're polite and flattering enough". I didn't write "and anyone of them would kiss me, if I let them", though I wanted to.

I don't know what is going on. And it just dawned on me that I spent my whole day and a hell of a lot of thought on these few hours with him. Hell, it was nice; it always is with him. But I don't understand what the fuck is going on. He is keeping me at a physical distance and I am tiring. I move backwards a little bit every time I see him, and I will not ask. He knows I am hurting - his hugs, his text and his standing looking after me when I turn to walk home,  are reactions to my hurt. He obviously cannot say what is wrong, and I can't ask. So I just move backwards to protect myself and soon I'll be spending my free hours elsewhere.

He asked if I would drop by for breakfast in the weekend, and I told him the truth - that I might have another appointment with Nille for lunch. I asked her; she didn't answer yet. I feel like going out dancing or having some fun. Feel beautiful and wanted. So if I let myself, I will be going out one night (sleeping late the day after) and then seeing Nille for lunch the other day. Weekend gone and I won't have seen him.

I know exactly where I am going to go mentally, and I don't like it one bit. I am going to let the distance take us apart, move him down my list of priorities and get back to creating myself a life. Pick up where I left with Mo and his girlfriend, make time for Nille and Maya. Do stuff on my own. Soon I won't take the initiative to see him and there we go.
I have envisioned speaking to him, asking him what's up, because I don't want to lose him. But at the same time, I don't want to *make* him talk; he's big enough; he'll talk if and when he wants to. If he doesn't, I have to trust he won't.

He asked me too if maybe we could see each other before I go to work Friday; I told him truthfully that I might be starting early as Renè isn't working much anymore; and that we will see what can be done.
Part of me wanted to say "I am here now; I can take none of this anymore; will you or won't you ?" but of course I didn't. He also said that it might be nice to organize ourselves a bit more to see each other. He used the word "sporadically". And I lost my cool, just looked down at his t-shirt, stroking it, and mumbled "yeah, because this is wearing me out". He said nothing.

I wish I hadn't said anything. I cannot (and will not) control my body language; but saying it out loud admits defeat. And I cannot help but to feel he's throwing me a bone, talking about seeing each other in a more organized manner and buying me a bike. I don't know what the fuck is up.
And I don't know what I did to make him think I need a bone.


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