About temper

I have a temper.
Or; at least I used to have one. As I am getting older it is sort of mellowing down. I tend to have a more nuanced view of situations, of people, their intentions and of things in general. Not quite zen, but it takes a lot to get me angry. Maybe because I'm slow or maybe I am really just naive, I tend to think the best of everybody.

I mull over stuff  in my head, try and see things in a neutral way (which I actually believe can't really be done, where feelings are involved) and sometimes it takes me hours or days to realize how hurt or angry I may be about something. Not because I don't know what I am feeling, but because I will weigh carefully whether I might be wrong, misunderstanding something or just taking things too seriously. Which I do a lot. Take things and myself too seriously I mean.
I see myself as quite the happy camper, but at the same time I am abnormally sensitive, proud and private about some things. I think it shows too, I think I give off a slight vibe of  "come no closer than I will allow you to" and sometimes I regret this; I think it might be why I am not easy to befriend. And of course my best friends are people that has trespassed my limits of how close to me I want somebody. People that,  when I say "leave me alone", will do the exact opposite and *not* leave me alone. People that push my boundries. Again and again.

Anyway. Temper.
I am slow. I have a temper but I am slow about it. Once I have realized what I am feeling, analyzed whether I am right, wrong or fair (bla bla bla) about it, I will speak my mind. It may take me some time, but I will.
I have no shame about my feelings (more often than not, there is nothing "fair", "right" or "wrong" about feelings) but I will consider the context a lot. It will not do to get too upset about work for example; work is a professional context in which certain feelings or hypersensivity have no place.

As zen as I may (or may not) be; there's one thing that pisses me off. People who won't speak their mind but just keep a grudge.


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