What's on my mind 9

I am not very good at balances in my relationships to other people. Very often I am too much. At other times I am too little. Or at least that's the way I feel where people are involved. I'm very forgiving with myself so in relation to me, I feel balanced in an offhand, extreme way.

Today I feel independent, a bit relieved even that he's on vacation, might be healthy to see what it is like not to have him nearby. I makeup as usual, try to make myself prettier even, to prove to myself it doesn't matter that I know there is *no* chance of me bumping into him. I plan to call friends (that I have wanted to see for a long time, but somehow never got 'round to calling) to make plans; he won't be home over the weekend so I can make plans without counting him in.

But I never get around to calling anybody, I end up checking my phone for another message from him, listen to Madeleine Peyroux singing You're gonna make me lonesome when you go and then I realize I miss him.
I get up, shake my (mental) head and decide I have too much time on my hands, that I should do some cooking, do that design-thingy I promised to do for Nix, send some emails, plan *my* vacation (that's up next, and almost 3 weeks too, that'll be something) and generally stop thinking about him.

And then I pass my bedroom and find his jacket there, still smelling of him. I thought about washing it, as soon as I realized it is filling my bedroom with his scent, but at the time it seemed to admit defeat.
Which I won't. Yet, anyway.
Cheesy, hah! As if it couldn't just lie there, not reminding me of him all the time. I open windows instead. To get in a fresh breeze. Mmmmm.

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