What's on my mind 7
I ask myself what was so different yesterday.
He. Was. All. Over. Me.
I think I know but I almost can't bear if this whole thing turns out to be so clichè, if normal laws somehow actually applies to this thing. And at the same time a part of me says "of course normal laws apply. He's a man and you're a woman for Pete's sake."
I kept my distance yesterday. Not coolly, I just did pretty much my thing. Arrived late for the meeting at CC (kept him waiting) and didn't try to kiss him, didn't let the awkwardness of "should we kiss or not" hang. I just reached out, decidedly and hugged him. They were doing a coffee-tasting there, and I got interested, asking questions (to which he listened in, while sidling closer) and chatting to the very passionate guy there. I was very much me; not afraid to ask, hungry for knowledge. We got our coffees and went off, chatting idly about this and that. I felt very beautiful; I had let my hair hang (because he likes it tied up, and I am not gonna angle for his approval) and we chatted about this and that going into town. I; not longing for that kiss, not drooling over him, hellbent on meeting Anna/Line and not showing off how much I want him. And we met her; and I felt we clicked instantly. I saw curiousity in her eyes and I know she saw the same in mine. We sat down on a bench near the water and chatted. They were sort of getting up to date with their thing, and I felt, for a moment, a little pang of... sorry. For him not reaching his hand out, for not acknowledging in front of her, that we're .. physical. He might have touched my arm, tousled my hair. Anything. But he didn't and luckily the whole thing didn't get to me, though it registered. It feels weird that I accepted that, and it feels so "like me". I have done the same thing in the past, and might have again, if it was up to me to do it.
Thing is; I didn't need it.*
And it baffles me. I am me, in my own right, I am not his to show off, and Line is a girl I have very much wanted to meet; with or without him. I don't need his touch to validate me in front of her; his acknowledgement. It surprises me and I don't know whether he's very very clever or whether (and it certainly is a possibility though I don't believe in it for one second) he doesn't want to be physical with me in front of her.
Food for thought.
In any case; I wasn't fazed. We chatted along idly enough, and got to the cinema. I bought candy and water (taking my time to let them chat about me), went to the toilet (taking my time) and sat down between them in the cinema; she pointed out I might want to sit in the middle; good girl =). And I had a hell of a time, distributing candy between them, having a lot myself and just enjoyed the movie. He was doing his thing, we might as well have been friends. An hour or so into the movie I planted a little "peck-kiss" on his hand; it was there and it was nice and that was all *my* acknowledging his physical presence. And then he caresses my arm in the diamond-ring scene. A little alarm went off in my head, it feels like he has done it before. The "move-to-fit-a-scene-in-movies-thing". Like he wanted to say something about Carrie getting a ring from Big, but let his fingers talk instead. And I didn't flinch; didn't acknowledge his touch but with a tiny cocking of my head. "I know you're touching me but I am not reading anything into it". It feels like he has done it before but I can't remember where or when.
The movie finished fast and Line left us to go home. I was sort of baffled (her leaving so fast) and he wanted to get a bite to eat. I wasn't really hungry and I had made up my mind before coming, that we were not to get physical and intimate. So I hesitated a bit when he asked whether I wanted to eat something, whether I wasn't hungry; I answered vaguely that I wasn't really hungry. And he asked again. And I realized he really really wanted to hang out with me, and it was good; it was fuel to my fire. I felt beautiful and we tagged along to a cafe to eat. Once I got eating it was wonderful, I stopped thinking about us and just ate with gusto, not focussing on him....
This is getting long. I enjoyed it all so much I want to recollect all the details, maybe to find that little thing that made the difference. It really is there; right in front of me. I didn't focus solely on him. I did my thing; independently, curiously and didn't stare at him; drooling over his mouth and eyes. We walked home through the dusk and our hands sort of brushed lightly. He took my hand and we walked for a while like that. We spoke about work, he mentioned that it was "embarassing" (was that his choice of word?) that he makes so much more money than me. And I answered something to the effect of him, luckily, not being so shallow as to equal income to intelligence or potential. I do what I do for work, because it is fun and it is a choice. He mentioned the lunch at Europa (cost me 500 kr) and that while to him, it is nothing; to me it is a whole lot of money. I told him my priorities are mine, that I was not paying because he expect me to, he is too much of a gentleman to expect us to go dutch; I paid because I loved to. I also told him that his little shopping spree was exaggerated, that I don't shop like that but that I am not spending a lot of money living. He said, "but there is such a difference, if we wanted to go to Paris for 3 days it wouldn't be feasible. Not that I thought about it, but you know; if we wanted to". And I said without defeat "yes, there is a difference." And I smiled to myself. He noticed and asked me what I was smiling about and I looked at him and told him I was surprised he thought about this only now. I also (maybe shouldn't have) told him that I have a long list of reasons why this ought to be going nowhere (relationship-wise), and that this is one of the reasons. And he said something I don't remember and finished off with a flourish: "opposites attract". And I was surprised that he felt the need to comfort me. Or himself. Or whatever. He seemed to have gotten something off his chest too. As if he had been thinking about it for some time, or was happy to have gotten it out in the open.
Everything this man does spells out to me that we're in this for the long haul. He doesn't speak, he doesn't ask me to be his girlfriend. But he keeps making these little remarks that seems to reassure me. Or himself. And I keep on not acknowledging him.
And the less I do; the more he comes on to me. And this is the whole issue I am trying to wrap up. Could he be subject to the same old :" keep him at a distance and have him coming back for more" ? I would like to think that he's not that shallow but at the same time it would be so..... sweet.
We said goodnight midway between our places. He ranted about Kenzo bedlinen and how he would see if there was something my duvets size. I shut up, not wanting to turn the whole thing into a farce going "I can't afford that kind of bedlinen" and "we just talked about economy and priorities" - it dawned on me (looking into his happy face) that maybe he was trying to tell me, that he would give it to me as a gift. Something to do for me. He seemed happy to have found something to do for me. And it would be so sweet if it was so.
He hugged me and whispered "pretty, beautiful, sexy" in my ear before we split and went out seperate ways. And I was baffled by his attention. It is not like him at all. But it felt good. He texted me before I got home "hvor er du skoen" - asking me whether I was home yet. And he stood on the corner watching me go for a long time. I turned around thrice and he still hadn't moved.
I wonder.
He. Was. All. Over. Me.
I think I know but I almost can't bear if this whole thing turns out to be so clichè, if normal laws somehow actually applies to this thing. And at the same time a part of me says "of course normal laws apply. He's a man and you're a woman for Pete's sake."
I kept my distance yesterday. Not coolly, I just did pretty much my thing. Arrived late for the meeting at CC (kept him waiting) and didn't try to kiss him, didn't let the awkwardness of "should we kiss or not" hang. I just reached out, decidedly and hugged him. They were doing a coffee-tasting there, and I got interested, asking questions (to which he listened in, while sidling closer) and chatting to the very passionate guy there. I was very much me; not afraid to ask, hungry for knowledge. We got our coffees and went off, chatting idly about this and that. I felt very beautiful; I had let my hair hang (because he likes it tied up, and I am not gonna angle for his approval) and we chatted about this and that going into town. I; not longing for that kiss, not drooling over him, hellbent on meeting Anna/Line and not showing off how much I want him. And we met her; and I felt we clicked instantly. I saw curiousity in her eyes and I know she saw the same in mine. We sat down on a bench near the water and chatted. They were sort of getting up to date with their thing, and I felt, for a moment, a little pang of... sorry. For him not reaching his hand out, for not acknowledging in front of her, that we're .. physical. He might have touched my arm, tousled my hair. Anything. But he didn't and luckily the whole thing didn't get to me, though it registered. It feels weird that I accepted that, and it feels so "like me". I have done the same thing in the past, and might have again, if it was up to me to do it.
Thing is; I didn't need it.*
And it baffles me. I am me, in my own right, I am not his to show off, and Line is a girl I have very much wanted to meet; with or without him. I don't need his touch to validate me in front of her; his acknowledgement. It surprises me and I don't know whether he's very very clever or whether (and it certainly is a possibility though I don't believe in it for one second) he doesn't want to be physical with me in front of her.
Food for thought.
In any case; I wasn't fazed. We chatted along idly enough, and got to the cinema. I bought candy and water (taking my time to let them chat about me), went to the toilet (taking my time) and sat down between them in the cinema; she pointed out I might want to sit in the middle; good girl =). And I had a hell of a time, distributing candy between them, having a lot myself and just enjoyed the movie. He was doing his thing, we might as well have been friends. An hour or so into the movie I planted a little "peck-kiss" on his hand; it was there and it was nice and that was all *my* acknowledging his physical presence. And then he caresses my arm in the diamond-ring scene. A little alarm went off in my head, it feels like he has done it before. The "move-to-fit-a-scene-in-movies-thing". Like he wanted to say something about Carrie getting a ring from Big, but let his fingers talk instead. And I didn't flinch; didn't acknowledge his touch but with a tiny cocking of my head. "I know you're touching me but I am not reading anything into it". It feels like he has done it before but I can't remember where or when.
The movie finished fast and Line left us to go home. I was sort of baffled (her leaving so fast) and he wanted to get a bite to eat. I wasn't really hungry and I had made up my mind before coming, that we were not to get physical and intimate. So I hesitated a bit when he asked whether I wanted to eat something, whether I wasn't hungry; I answered vaguely that I wasn't really hungry. And he asked again. And I realized he really really wanted to hang out with me, and it was good; it was fuel to my fire. I felt beautiful and we tagged along to a cafe to eat. Once I got eating it was wonderful, I stopped thinking about us and just ate with gusto, not focussing on him....
This is getting long. I enjoyed it all so much I want to recollect all the details, maybe to find that little thing that made the difference. It really is there; right in front of me. I didn't focus solely on him. I did my thing; independently, curiously and didn't stare at him; drooling over his mouth and eyes. We walked home through the dusk and our hands sort of brushed lightly. He took my hand and we walked for a while like that. We spoke about work, he mentioned that it was "embarassing" (was that his choice of word?) that he makes so much more money than me. And I answered something to the effect of him, luckily, not being so shallow as to equal income to intelligence or potential. I do what I do for work, because it is fun and it is a choice. He mentioned the lunch at Europa (cost me 500 kr) and that while to him, it is nothing; to me it is a whole lot of money. I told him my priorities are mine, that I was not paying because he expect me to, he is too much of a gentleman to expect us to go dutch; I paid because I loved to. I also told him that his little shopping spree was exaggerated, that I don't shop like that but that I am not spending a lot of money living. He said, "but there is such a difference, if we wanted to go to Paris for 3 days it wouldn't be feasible. Not that I thought about it, but you know; if we wanted to". And I said without defeat "yes, there is a difference." And I smiled to myself. He noticed and asked me what I was smiling about and I looked at him and told him I was surprised he thought about this only now. I also (maybe shouldn't have) told him that I have a long list of reasons why this ought to be going nowhere (relationship-wise), and that this is one of the reasons. And he said something I don't remember and finished off with a flourish: "opposites attract". And I was surprised that he felt the need to comfort me. Or himself. Or whatever. He seemed to have gotten something off his chest too. As if he had been thinking about it for some time, or was happy to have gotten it out in the open.
Everything this man does spells out to me that we're in this for the long haul. He doesn't speak, he doesn't ask me to be his girlfriend. But he keeps making these little remarks that seems to reassure me. Or himself. And I keep on not acknowledging him.
And the less I do; the more he comes on to me. And this is the whole issue I am trying to wrap up. Could he be subject to the same old :" keep him at a distance and have him coming back for more" ? I would like to think that he's not that shallow but at the same time it would be so..... sweet.
We said goodnight midway between our places. He ranted about Kenzo bedlinen and how he would see if there was something my duvets size. I shut up, not wanting to turn the whole thing into a farce going "I can't afford that kind of bedlinen" and "we just talked about economy and priorities" - it dawned on me (looking into his happy face) that maybe he was trying to tell me, that he would give it to me as a gift. Something to do for me. He seemed happy to have found something to do for me. And it would be so sweet if it was so.
He hugged me and whispered "pretty, beautiful, sexy" in my ear before we split and went out seperate ways. And I was baffled by his attention. It is not like him at all. But it felt good. He texted me before I got home "hvor er du skoen" - asking me whether I was home yet. And he stood on the corner watching me go for a long time. I turned around thrice and he still hadn't moved.
I wonder.
Comments