What's on my mind 6

The question I am not posting to blogland right now:
If I am jealous of him already, am I in over my head ?

I am.
All of a sudden I read things into his blog-comment exchange with mesmerizing her; I ask myself whether he admire her, whether he (secretly or not-so-secretly) wants her and whether there's sexual attraction between them.


Yeah. I am in over my head. I am struggling to put into words (hell, thoughts) what I am living with him these days. I can see no longer than to my immediate attraction to him. This is not entirely true (because I realize I am very attentive to him and all *his* attentions) but the body-to-body-communication we're having is blinding me and I can really think of not much else.

And I am afraid. Afraid that he is blinded too; that he is seeing me as only heavenly sex; (and I can't really blame him it it was so) it *is* heavenly sex, but he is oil to my waters, he is balm to my soul; soothing me, making me feel so... right. It feels so natural and it is scaring me really. It is like coming home and all of my words is lost, all of my intelligence is gone and I all of a sudden seem so small, so needy, so.... woman. And I don't know what to do with it.
I miss sharp, no-bs-me when I am with him. I want to please him. And it seems such a trap, I know we cannot build a relationship always wanting to please each other.
(Part of me objects; "who says you're building a relationship? Don't get your hopes too high" - another part of me retorts "come on, who the f*ck are you kidding ? You already thought of how he would love your brother, why deny you want him in your life ?".
And I cannot make up my mind and I realize how fucked-up I might really be.
I am not done soulsearching. I am not done figuring out where the f*ck I go wrong, what I want. He is soothing me for sure. He is not asking questions; he is actually doing nothing wrong. For those same reasons, I am now working myself into a frenzy; why is he not interested in my past, I hinted enough, why is he not asking questions, what is he doing with me?

Part of me want to sit him down and say "come on, we're grownups, let's admit, we're just lovers, we're having a good time, nothing wrong with that" but at the same time; his stubbornness, his reluctance to give in and treat me like nothing but a princess makes me fall head over heels for him.
And I wonder.
Can he *actually* take me, porn- (his almost-exact words to me this morning) and paranoia-princess and all ?

Everytime I think I have got him figured out; he surprises me and make me waver again. I can put no labels on this; get no clarity on what we're doing, on what we're having.
And it kills me.


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