My restlessness endured through Monday - I did a lot of stuff around the apartment and enjoyed being on my own; my flatmate went on a minibreak with girlfriend. I got up early yesterday morning, hoping to be able to sleep early, but no such luck. After a long day of pleasant chores, a few phonecalls to friends and two movies, I was still restless.

So I took the consequence, and a little hour later, a helluva lot of makeup and a lot of fiddling with lights, I had a very small handful of very unconventional portraits of myself. I love to photograph but I have never photographed myself. As usual I don't know what hit me, when I start doing something creative. I never know where it's taking me. I am no artist and I don't have artist aspirations, but I love the creative process, the sense of something so sure taking over, something bigger. I have no doubts as to what to do, there are no words, no logic, no reasoning. I know exactly what to do, there are no other ways.

And that is interesting in itself. Isn't creativity supposed to be about endless possibilities, about no rules and total freedom? When I create something, I want to feel that flow take *me* away, not the other way around. I get to start out with materials or deciding how to be creative (drawing, photographing, cooking, dancing, you name it) , but from there I'm lost. At best, I don't get to take what I do in a direction, the direction takes me. And if I don't feel this flow, then I feel like I'm failing. I measure my creativity on the quality of the process and not on the final outcome.

When I choose cooking for creativity (and I don't always, often I cook for eating =)) I may choose basic ingredients, but from there, it often takes me away. The final outcome is not always good, but the process is *always* fantastic.

I love to give in to something non-verbal, to the senses and let them have the better of me. Photographing, cooking, drawing, designing, dancing - it's like meditation and it feels like being 100% true to me, as opposed to when I have to express myself verbally. I love to write and create verbal imagery but it is always slightly off the mark, it is never 100% the whole truth. Honest yes, but confined to words, and as such incomplete, as I see it.

Photographing gave me the much needed peace to sleep afterwards. This morning I'm looking at the pictures, slightly taken aback. They're ... unexpected.

I want to photograph some more, humans possibly.


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