What's on my mind 10
I note that none of us is talking.
I know I am not, for fear of opening up, to putting this thing in words, for fear of realizing this might be nothing but sexual attraction, for fear of losing him.
Maybe he has the same fears. Today I asked him if he thought we could be friends. He said maybe. Then he said (and I would rather he had not) that he didn't know, he don't know what we are now. I answered (a little annoyed) "apart from that, leave it there, do you think we could be friends?" and he repeated that he didn't know. And added, that maybe if I spoke a little softer.
He has been at me a lot today; why I can't walk straight, why I speak so loudly. And then he zoned out when I told him the logical reasons as to why it is diffucult that a Barolo become port-like. He started that one, he would want to taste this Barolo that has aged so much that it becomes almost like port. I went on to ask, why, does he like port ? No, he said, he had watched this tvprogram and they spoke about this Barolo. Then he went on to research the matter on his Iphone, so he seemed interested enough. I started to explain about the notes of Barolo, about the structure, about what happens to Barolo over time and suggested that maybe they had been speaking about Barolo Chinato, aged Barolo with added liquor which might make it sweeter.
He looked me straight in the eye and told me that it was too much, that he could not do it, that he just lost interest and zoned out (very rude actually) - he simply could not do it.
I said nothing and stuffed my mouth with food so as to not answer. There really was nothing to say anyway, I was sort of shocked at his rudeness.
I don't know whether he doesn't acknowledge that I know something that he don't, whether it annoys him. I don't know. Fact is I am getting more annoyed by the day, I don't know what is happening to us. He invited me over Sunday for breakfast, I told him I would come, he could have his Sunday rituals while I slept a little more, it always gets late on Saturdays. He agreed, I got to his place, got almost-naked, put my head on his shoulder, hugged him a bit and promptly fell asleep. I woke up, he was pulling my panties off and proceeded to take me, roughly. While I enjoyed it thoroughly it was short, hard and cold. He even grabbed my throat twice, and as he probably predicted, it heightened my pleasure but also reduced the whole thing to just sex. I came but weakly and unfelt, he came quickly all over me, and got up very fast to clean off, leaving me feeling very dirty and a bit used.
Actually his behaviour leaves me cold and with a wish to keep him distant. I don't want to feel used and dirty. I don't want him on my case. I tell myself I am beautiful, alive, and that me speaking, laughing, moving loudly is a natural consequence of my happiness, and that if he can't take it, he doesn't deserve it.
He cooked breakfast after the sex and we ate quickly. I asked him while he was cooking if he was ok, and he said yes; clearly lying through his teeth. We watched a movie and I felt relief when it was finished and I could go home to my appointment with Maja. Later he wrote that he was sorry he hadn't been feeling very good. I wrote him back that I was happy he said it, he didn't want to say it while I was at his place, but that I felt it anyway. Today I added that he should tell me to go home another time, if he gets one of his headaches, I don't want to be on the receiving end of that. It is not fair, and I would rather not be there. He said (whining) "but it was so hyggeligt".... For one tiny instant I wanted to say "no, it wasn't, you got a headache from all this hygge, fool yourself but don't try and fool me" - but I bit my lip and said nothing. There's a limit to how hard and cynical I want to be and to be fair; I don't really know.
I really don't. I know that his criticizing me, causes me to push him away, to close up and become all hard and Tine-like-soldier again. I am sorry this isn't soft, isn't tender anymore. I am sorry that we can't strike a perfect balance, that we cannot have sex, make love, and kiss tenderly. That it all seems to be reduced to hard sex and him criticizing me. I might ask him what is up. He acts like somebody who feels guilty about something.
We are needling each other lately. While i was in Jutland he wrote he was going to the cinema. I answered instantly "with your ex?". I didn't really want to know, I tell myself that I don't care. But I wanted him to rethink it, to think that I cared, have a moment of guilt. I told him today (he asked) that I got the burgers for Maja and I, from roomservice.dk. When he asked if they were any good, I told him "yes, and they even sent a hot delivery guy". He froze for a moment (hurt, question in his eyes, acknowledging my need for payback?) and then went on talking.
He doesn't kiss me anymore. I don't know why. I kissed him briefly, spontaneously outside the restaurant but that was it, he didn't prolong the kiss or initiate more.
I had closed up when we went home, I wasn't very attentive to the movie, I spent a lot of time thinking, feeling his presence and by the time the movie ended, I had closed up. He asked me if I was allright when we got out of the cinema; I had gotten up, put on my jacket and moved through the crowd as if I was on my own. I lied through my teeth and said yes; it wasn't very clear to me what I was thinking and feeling, I just knew that I didn't feel him there with me.
We walked home; not speaking very much. We stopped for the red light where I always stop going home, I had turned my face away from him, to watch the cars approaching, crossing. When I turned towards him again, he had come closer, to kiss, me I think. I had been about to say something and a month ago I would have registered his nearness and never spoken. Just letting him kiss me. This time I moved on, and said what I had to say, made my observation and let the moment pass.
I am sort of waiting for him to say something. Maybe he has tired of me. Maybe he wants real love, and won't do with this anymore, I don't think he's in love with me or I with him. Fact is that if I would want to find love and look for it, this affair is probably stalling me. Same goes for him. I don't know if I want it right now, but fact is that he has at least written in his blog that he is ready for a girlfriend again. We are not acknowledging this relationship, any of us.
I am not talking because it was perfect until recently. I don't know what happened. He stopped kissing me and starting needling me. When we are not seeing each other, he wants me, when I drop by for coffee he's sorry we can't spend more time together, when he stopped by work to pick me up from work the other night, he wrote afterwards "you are so beautiful". It seems he wants me only when he can't have me.
Sweet clichè.
Small wonder I am making myself unavailable.
I know I am not, for fear of opening up, to putting this thing in words, for fear of realizing this might be nothing but sexual attraction, for fear of losing him.
Maybe he has the same fears. Today I asked him if he thought we could be friends. He said maybe. Then he said (and I would rather he had not) that he didn't know, he don't know what we are now. I answered (a little annoyed) "apart from that, leave it there, do you think we could be friends?" and he repeated that he didn't know. And added, that maybe if I spoke a little softer.
He has been at me a lot today; why I can't walk straight, why I speak so loudly. And then he zoned out when I told him the logical reasons as to why it is diffucult that a Barolo become port-like. He started that one, he would want to taste this Barolo that has aged so much that it becomes almost like port. I went on to ask, why, does he like port ? No, he said, he had watched this tvprogram and they spoke about this Barolo. Then he went on to research the matter on his Iphone, so he seemed interested enough. I started to explain about the notes of Barolo, about the structure, about what happens to Barolo over time and suggested that maybe they had been speaking about Barolo Chinato, aged Barolo with added liquor which might make it sweeter.
He looked me straight in the eye and told me that it was too much, that he could not do it, that he just lost interest and zoned out (very rude actually) - he simply could not do it.
I said nothing and stuffed my mouth with food so as to not answer. There really was nothing to say anyway, I was sort of shocked at his rudeness.
I don't know whether he doesn't acknowledge that I know something that he don't, whether it annoys him. I don't know. Fact is I am getting more annoyed by the day, I don't know what is happening to us. He invited me over Sunday for breakfast, I told him I would come, he could have his Sunday rituals while I slept a little more, it always gets late on Saturdays. He agreed, I got to his place, got almost-naked, put my head on his shoulder, hugged him a bit and promptly fell asleep. I woke up, he was pulling my panties off and proceeded to take me, roughly. While I enjoyed it thoroughly it was short, hard and cold. He even grabbed my throat twice, and as he probably predicted, it heightened my pleasure but also reduced the whole thing to just sex. I came but weakly and unfelt, he came quickly all over me, and got up very fast to clean off, leaving me feeling very dirty and a bit used.
Actually his behaviour leaves me cold and with a wish to keep him distant. I don't want to feel used and dirty. I don't want him on my case. I tell myself I am beautiful, alive, and that me speaking, laughing, moving loudly is a natural consequence of my happiness, and that if he can't take it, he doesn't deserve it.
He cooked breakfast after the sex and we ate quickly. I asked him while he was cooking if he was ok, and he said yes; clearly lying through his teeth. We watched a movie and I felt relief when it was finished and I could go home to my appointment with Maja. Later he wrote that he was sorry he hadn't been feeling very good. I wrote him back that I was happy he said it, he didn't want to say it while I was at his place, but that I felt it anyway. Today I added that he should tell me to go home another time, if he gets one of his headaches, I don't want to be on the receiving end of that. It is not fair, and I would rather not be there. He said (whining) "but it was so hyggeligt".... For one tiny instant I wanted to say "no, it wasn't, you got a headache from all this hygge, fool yourself but don't try and fool me" - but I bit my lip and said nothing. There's a limit to how hard and cynical I want to be and to be fair; I don't really know.
I really don't. I know that his criticizing me, causes me to push him away, to close up and become all hard and Tine-like-soldier again. I am sorry this isn't soft, isn't tender anymore. I am sorry that we can't strike a perfect balance, that we cannot have sex, make love, and kiss tenderly. That it all seems to be reduced to hard sex and him criticizing me. I might ask him what is up. He acts like somebody who feels guilty about something.
We are needling each other lately. While i was in Jutland he wrote he was going to the cinema. I answered instantly "with your ex?". I didn't really want to know, I tell myself that I don't care. But I wanted him to rethink it, to think that I cared, have a moment of guilt. I told him today (he asked) that I got the burgers for Maja and I, from roomservice.dk. When he asked if they were any good, I told him "yes, and they even sent a hot delivery guy". He froze for a moment (hurt, question in his eyes, acknowledging my need for payback?) and then went on talking.
He doesn't kiss me anymore. I don't know why. I kissed him briefly, spontaneously outside the restaurant but that was it, he didn't prolong the kiss or initiate more.
I had closed up when we went home, I wasn't very attentive to the movie, I spent a lot of time thinking, feeling his presence and by the time the movie ended, I had closed up. He asked me if I was allright when we got out of the cinema; I had gotten up, put on my jacket and moved through the crowd as if I was on my own. I lied through my teeth and said yes; it wasn't very clear to me what I was thinking and feeling, I just knew that I didn't feel him there with me.
We walked home; not speaking very much. We stopped for the red light where I always stop going home, I had turned my face away from him, to watch the cars approaching, crossing. When I turned towards him again, he had come closer, to kiss, me I think. I had been about to say something and a month ago I would have registered his nearness and never spoken. Just letting him kiss me. This time I moved on, and said what I had to say, made my observation and let the moment pass.
I am sort of waiting for him to say something. Maybe he has tired of me. Maybe he wants real love, and won't do with this anymore, I don't think he's in love with me or I with him. Fact is that if I would want to find love and look for it, this affair is probably stalling me. Same goes for him. I don't know if I want it right now, but fact is that he has at least written in his blog that he is ready for a girlfriend again. We are not acknowledging this relationship, any of us.
I am not talking because it was perfect until recently. I don't know what happened. He stopped kissing me and starting needling me. When we are not seeing each other, he wants me, when I drop by for coffee he's sorry we can't spend more time together, when he stopped by work to pick me up from work the other night, he wrote afterwards "you are so beautiful". It seems he wants me only when he can't have me.
Sweet clichè.
Small wonder I am making myself unavailable.
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